I'm speechless right now. Totally speechless.
Even though I'm keeping distance, apparently...I'm still losing them as friend.
Friend forever?? As you said, always.
LOL. This is just a joke??
Friend...fine~
The more I care the worst I feel.
Anyway...I'm just found my self who was a noob and you are the one who gradually became a stranger to me.
Frankly speaking, you will never know how I feel right now.
No matter Sammy or you....
I guess, I made a wrong move?
I'm trying to help but end up locking myself into deep shit.
I'm just too stupid.
It's always like the more I care, the worst I get.
No pain, no gain no longer sounds logic in this situation.
"I don't care any more."
It's always sounds much more easier to say than action.
I'm having lots of things to be settle right now.
Doing part time while studying.
And yet, this Sem was a sem that really stressed me up a lot.
And now you guys treat me like that.
Am I that stupid? Where you guys can just throw away after using me?
Great one~
Nice job buddy.
Thank you. What have I done wrong?
Haiz~~
*pat pat. Everything is going to be so fine.
Yea...Everything going to be so fine.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Sunday, September 8, 2013
#Me
Today was the last day of UCSI's Open Tournament.
Even though we lost the game, it is a worth, at least I gained some experience.
But before the game start..
All the balls was taken but RED's members and yet my team members wished to warm up before the game as well.
I don't know why, out of sudden Alan scolded me and ask me to get the ball from them as that was KDU's balls.
I don't understand. Not like I don't want to get back the ball where I don't have the gut or I'm still small and don't dare to ask back the ball from them.
It was like not good to take back something when people is playing or using. I really don't understand why you need to raise up your voice?? I just don't understand. I felt damn bad that time. Did I done something wrong? Did I done something really really wrong?
If, it was because those things and I made you fell into deep shit...I'm really sorry about it. I don't meant to. You have feeling, so do I have my owe thinking and feeling thou I used to happy come lucky go.
What the hell~
I been trying to keep a distance. I'm damn screwed for today.
I wanted to talk but I have to care about others people's feeling.
Who going to care about my feeling?
My thinking is too simple until ignore the consequences that I have been cause??
Like I want? I really never thought that. We are just friend.
I don't meant to trigger your jealousy, it's all just friend's talk.
What do you think I wanna do??? How am I suppose to know every single word that you speak meant something? I know you like him, but you know I was with Kelvin.
Can't I just be myself?
What you want me to do?
Wear a mask like all the KL peoples do?
I don't like and I have to say I like?
I don't know... my feeling is damn confused right now.
Neither you nor him, you guys were one of those where I included as close friend all along when I was in PJ.
After the talk, it's seem like it was my fault where I actually owe you a duty of care..
My fault for giving him a wrong feeling.
My fault for triggering your jealousy.
My fault for appearing..
My fault for making you emo.
My fault for being innocent.
I just want everything to be simple. It's that hard?
You know what...I'm really stressed up.
I'm feeling I'm wearing mask right now.
I can't be myself.
This is totally out of my principals.
Each time I pat my heart and tell myself everything is going to be so fine, eventually nothing is going to be so fine...
Do you think only you emo inside and smiling outside?
Do you know that, each time when I feel something wrong and there is always a feeling I need to release. What will I do is, I will punch the wall until I felt the pain, till the indescribable feeling is released.
I'm a human being as well.
True that I'm happy come lucky go but I do have feeling. I do have sad feeling as well.
I don't know...things just happen too fast......just too fast......
I just need some time to calm down....
I guess I really need to sleep right now...
Friday, September 6, 2013
#Thankful ^^
Oh well...Feeling better now...
Was damn gloomy for the day before.
But feeling much more better right now...
Feeling grateful for the post which pope out in my eyes for no reason.
"When somebody ignore you, don't be sad :) as they are not meant to be accompany you as always, they do have their owe life as well."
True~ Sorry for being too sensitive. My Bad. :(
Dear Diary,
I don't know...
That's the right choice when you choose for being alone.
At least you won't feel much feeling...at least you won't have the feeling like the whole world is abandoning you.
Peoples who around you are ignoring you.
As simple as I can, I just wanna live with a smile or may be laugh where I can really keep as memories.
Nothing is impossible. :)
True~
Today was my first time, seeing the damn quarrel happen between Chong Inn and Alan.
What was my first feeling was, go to the front and stop them.
But out of sudden, something pull me back and my heart told me that I shouldn't, as what Alan told me before because I can't stop them.
Oh well, I really wished I could as we are friends dude. No quarrel between friends just because of minor thingy?? My God!
And it also my first time where accident happen just infront of me when I wanted to cross the road. Thank God! For taking care of me and made it happen just before I step out of the road. It was so close....I was screaming, hopefully no one saw that. LOL.
What a first time huh?!?! *should I feel lucky about it? LOL
Somehow, I still hope things can just go smoothly after today. :)
Appreciate it much much more than what I can say. LOL
And good news was, Chong Inn finally!!!! Yeah!!! ^^
We can just like last time!!!
Along the weeks, I guess this was the time I actually speak more than usual after the thing happen..HMMM~ well, I guess I should said whatapps-ing with him more that verbal conversation. LOL
Feeling great and thankful :)
Was damn gloomy for the day before.
But feeling much more better right now...
Feeling grateful for the post which pope out in my eyes for no reason.
"When somebody ignore you, don't be sad :) as they are not meant to be accompany you as always, they do have their owe life as well."
True~ Sorry for being too sensitive. My Bad. :(
Dear Diary,
I don't know...
That's the right choice when you choose for being alone.
At least you won't feel much feeling...at least you won't have the feeling like the whole world is abandoning you.
Peoples who around you are ignoring you.
As simple as I can, I just wanna live with a smile or may be laugh where I can really keep as memories.
Nothing is impossible. :)
True~
Today was my first time, seeing the damn quarrel happen between Chong Inn and Alan.
What was my first feeling was, go to the front and stop them.
But out of sudden, something pull me back and my heart told me that I shouldn't, as what Alan told me before because I can't stop them.
Oh well, I really wished I could as we are friends dude. No quarrel between friends just because of minor thingy?? My God!
And it also my first time where accident happen just infront of me when I wanted to cross the road. Thank God! For taking care of me and made it happen just before I step out of the road. It was so close....I was screaming, hopefully no one saw that. LOL.
What a first time huh?!?! *should I feel lucky about it? LOL
Somehow, I still hope things can just go smoothly after today. :)
Appreciate it much much more than what I can say. LOL
And good news was, Chong Inn finally!!!! Yeah!!! ^^
We can just like last time!!!
Along the weeks, I guess this was the time I actually speak more than usual after the thing happen..HMMM~ well, I guess I should said whatapps-ing with him more that verbal conversation. LOL
Feeling great and thankful :)
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
#What a Dumb ASS will do
I don't know why...I'm just feeling damn gloom right now.
I'm just feeling everything not coming that smooth as what I expected.
Even that darn printer are trying to bully me.
Moving and not moving. Like seriously and what the hell.
The saddest part was the promise that has been made.
I don't understand. What means by promise?
I know... when the time I decide to walk off from the circle. I guess the promise no longer belongs to me.
Why am I still eager to hold on to that promise that doesn't belong to me?
And who cares, even yourself not keen about it. Who am I be there to care about it.
Just forget about it then. That's how a promise would hurt someone.
Beside that, Don't know why...I felt myself no longer able to join their's world.
I'm kinda started to regret for moving over to this house.
At least when I was in Aunty Monica's house...I won't care much and that's only me and my room.
I won't care what my dinner gonna have, I won't care who is joining me for dinner nor lunch. I can just eat what ever I want even alone cooking for just only me.
Somehow, when I was here and I started to use to go lunch and dinner with them...It's silently became part of my life.
When out of sudden, it will made me feel much more lonely when their are not around just like today.
I really hate this feeling.
I hate peoples interrupting my life and made a full-stop when I used to it.
People has their own life to go. Go after a girl or may be out of sudden a girl go after one of your friend...
Anyhow, All is just my problems.
Eventually Friday night we are going to watch movie together, somehow...
*laugh. I don't know. "Are you okay with it? Let's see how?" *laugh. Can I just say not okay? What's the NO means??? Eventually you guys have decided how the plan goes. Why ask me? Just for the sick of asking?
This really made me feel like more dumb as usual. Why made this?
When you used to it, but out of sudden peoples tend to forget your available.
*laugh. I know right~ That's funny...
I'm a weirdo. I used to live alone all the way. Yeah~ That's the way I live for.
Friends....
I'm just too selfish. I'm really sorry about it.
I'm just feeling everything not coming that smooth as what I expected.
Even that darn printer are trying to bully me.
Moving and not moving. Like seriously and what the hell.
The saddest part was the promise that has been made.
I don't understand. What means by promise?
I know... when the time I decide to walk off from the circle. I guess the promise no longer belongs to me.
Why am I still eager to hold on to that promise that doesn't belong to me?
And who cares, even yourself not keen about it. Who am I be there to care about it.
Just forget about it then. That's how a promise would hurt someone.
Beside that, Don't know why...I felt myself no longer able to join their's world.
I'm kinda started to regret for moving over to this house.
At least when I was in Aunty Monica's house...I won't care much and that's only me and my room.
I won't care what my dinner gonna have, I won't care who is joining me for dinner nor lunch. I can just eat what ever I want even alone cooking for just only me.
Somehow, when I was here and I started to use to go lunch and dinner with them...It's silently became part of my life.
When out of sudden, it will made me feel much more lonely when their are not around just like today.
I really hate this feeling.
I hate peoples interrupting my life and made a full-stop when I used to it.
People has their own life to go. Go after a girl or may be out of sudden a girl go after one of your friend...
Anyhow, All is just my problems.
Eventually Friday night we are going to watch movie together, somehow...
*laugh. I don't know. "Are you okay with it? Let's see how?" *laugh. Can I just say not okay? What's the NO means??? Eventually you guys have decided how the plan goes. Why ask me? Just for the sick of asking?
This really made me feel like more dumb as usual. Why made this?
When you used to it, but out of sudden peoples tend to forget your available.
*laugh. I know right~ That's funny...
I'm a weirdo. I used to live alone all the way. Yeah~ That's the way I live for.
Friends....
I'm just too selfish. I'm really sorry about it.
Friday, August 23, 2013
#the Silent Memories
Memories~
When there is dawn will there be another shinning sun rise??
I was in a relationship, at last, for the past 20 years.
I can't believe that he is the one who is the first one who step into my border line.
and he is the one who I'm actually allowing him to step into. LOL. He kinda daring though. LOL
It is true that, I am having a new relationship, isn't it should be a happy?
Somehow, I don't know why... I realized when I learn to accept something new, I loses something old, I loses something that I used to be...
Eventually, I felt that I lost a friend that I can speak to.
Yesterday, Kelvin asked me why? What am I thinking?
I feel like telling him, but I was stopped. I don't know whether am I suppose to tell him what I'm feeling right now.
I'm certainly no regret for starting a new relationship with Kelvin.
However, at the same time...I don't feel like losing a friend that I used to close to.
On the facts, I'm losing him as my close friend.
I don't mind going together with him in the same car to dodgeball.
I don't mind having meal with him.
Just that.. what I felt was, being fencing off by him.
He is actually trying to avoid me.
I told myself...it is okay~ just give him some time. I can't be that selfish. He need time to recover.
Eventually I knew that it is hurt. I'm sorry. I don't meant to.
What I hope was, can we just be something like last time??? We talk, we play, we joke, we whatapps...
But I just found out...it seem like impossible any more.
What bond that we left was the debts that I owed him.
When the dawn goes, will the sun rise exactly the same like yesterday?
When the rains come, will the same rainbow shown like yesterday?
Am I doing the right thing??
I don't know who can I tell.
I really don't know.
I am worried things might change again if I speak it out.
At least now, I'm the only one who feeling sad about it.
I'm just a trouble. I'm sorry...I'm really sorry about it.
I really don't meant to built any happiness out from your wounds.
What I always hope was we can just like last time.....
I'm just dreaming i guess...
Haiz..but please don't smoke any more. This is what you have promised me.
Even the result wasn't that expected by you nor me.
But please don't smoke any more.
I don't know am I dreaming or what ever, I smell a sense of smoke when you was back to the room.
I hope that was just my mistake.
As I still believed that you are the one who won't break promises...
*pat pat* Everything going to be so fine.
I feel like what can I do now, is appear less until he really speak to me for once again without any boundaries or fencing.
I'm sorry Choong Inn. I'm really sorry about everything. I don't meant to. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
When there is dawn will there be another shinning sun rise??
I was in a relationship, at last, for the past 20 years.
I can't believe that he is the one who is the first one who step into my border line.
and he is the one who I'm actually allowing him to step into. LOL. He kinda daring though. LOL
It is true that, I am having a new relationship, isn't it should be a happy?
Somehow, I don't know why... I realized when I learn to accept something new, I loses something old, I loses something that I used to be...
Eventually, I felt that I lost a friend that I can speak to.
Yesterday, Kelvin asked me why? What am I thinking?
I feel like telling him, but I was stopped. I don't know whether am I suppose to tell him what I'm feeling right now.
I'm certainly no regret for starting a new relationship with Kelvin.
However, at the same time...I don't feel like losing a friend that I used to close to.
On the facts, I'm losing him as my close friend.
I don't mind going together with him in the same car to dodgeball.
I don't mind having meal with him.
Just that.. what I felt was, being fencing off by him.
He is actually trying to avoid me.
I told myself...it is okay~ just give him some time. I can't be that selfish. He need time to recover.
Eventually I knew that it is hurt. I'm sorry. I don't meant to.
What I hope was, can we just be something like last time??? We talk, we play, we joke, we whatapps...
But I just found out...it seem like impossible any more.
What bond that we left was the debts that I owed him.
When the dawn goes, will the sun rise exactly the same like yesterday?
When the rains come, will the same rainbow shown like yesterday?
Am I doing the right thing??
I don't know who can I tell.
I really don't know.
I am worried things might change again if I speak it out.
At least now, I'm the only one who feeling sad about it.
I'm just a trouble. I'm sorry...I'm really sorry about it.
I really don't meant to built any happiness out from your wounds.
What I always hope was we can just like last time.....
I'm just dreaming i guess...
Haiz..but please don't smoke any more. This is what you have promised me.
Even the result wasn't that expected by you nor me.
But please don't smoke any more.
I don't know am I dreaming or what ever, I smell a sense of smoke when you was back to the room.
I hope that was just my mistake.
As I still believed that you are the one who won't break promises...
*pat pat* Everything going to be so fine.
I feel like what can I do now, is appear less until he really speak to me for once again without any boundaries or fencing.
I'm sorry Choong Inn. I'm really sorry about everything. I don't meant to. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Friday, August 9, 2013
冰沙の記憶· 点号 #the snow· full-stop
冰沙の記憶· 点号即将是这记忆的终点。
不管是华语或是英语。
这一片记忆会是我最后能够给予的。
原地跑步并不是个错误但却也不是件好事。
人海茫茫中，成长是必然，经过是必须。
感谢为我付出过的。
更感恩一度陪我成长的。
虽说，心跳声不再为你响起，而那答案更是出乎我意料地让我显得有点心酸，更是让我觉得我是个大傻瓜，大笨蛋，似乎傻到将近无可救药的极点。
原来，这一切都是幻想，都是幻觉。。你还真有这股力量。（笑）
那股能让我，还以为所有的一切还像真的似的。。。
但是，不管怎样。。还是感恩。
曾经有种念头要把所有在此与他的记忆一度给毁灭。。
把我所书写下的他，对他不论是感觉或是事物，一度给删除。
但，现在的我。。。想把它给留下。
没有任何的想要留念的理由，只是觉得。。这会是个美好的提点。好让我不再犯下同样的错误，更是不应拥有的幻想。
好让它提醒自己，不应再对任何人产生任何可笑的幻觉，不应再做出有的没的猜测。。。提醒自己，因该成长了。
老实话，到目前。。。我还是认为他不是个坏人。
谢谢你~
谢谢你让我成长。。。
很多时候，停留是一种勇敢，更是一种执着。
没有人会所知道，下一秒，下一步，会发生什么事。
但，如果人。。。学不会手放开，会是一种遗憾。
因为，每一天，每一秒。。。人生就像一列列的火车般。。
当火车开跑时，那一幕幕迅速的外景就会像人生般，一幕幕成为我们所谓的记忆。
如果停留着，或许。。。我们错过的不只单单美好的事物，更是一支支能够让我们掌握的钥匙。
冰沙的记忆会是我美好的过程。
感谢，他所给予我的成长。
谢谢你。
因为这一切的风云，虽来得快，偶尔的感觉会让我措手不及，偶尔的事物会让我后悔不堪，偶尔的傻事会让我觉得我应当鸵鸟，偶尔的无聊可能让你会觉得我的幼稚，我的可笑，更可能是我的可悲。
但是，我还是想要谢谢你。
谢谢你填满了我其中一列的火车厢。
而这一列也就被命名为冰沙的记忆。
Friday, April 5, 2013
心曲的白天鹅 #the Dancing Swan :)
曾经，有人说过。。
“当你在听一首歌时，你听的，你喜爱的不是因为它美妙的旋律，而是它为你而唱的心情。”
一首能够让你掉眼泪的一首，是否因为它的旋律符合你的心情？
面具。。演技。。是否都行的通？？
那一句问候，你的回答，是否就只有安慰，安抚关心你的人？？
闭上眼睛
面具，演技，谎言
听着心跳
耸起双肩 戴上耳机
旋律的飘逸
围绕着身边每一个细胞
微妙的旋律 顽皮的手指
不停玩弄着 起起伏伏的脚趾
批掉身上的演服
我 那是真正的我吗？
谎言的可悲
说出了一个 就必须续集
我能坦白吗？
可笑里的笑
是心里真正 世界桃园吗？
我到底在哪里？
头 渐渐靠拢耸起的双脚
双手 渐渐抱起无助的身躯
寻找着 听见自己的声音
我到底在哪里？
脑子 任由心曲带着当初的自己
朗读声 原来是那么的好听
追逐声 原来是那么的单纯
教师们 原来是那么的美好
当初的 原来是那么的舒服
过去的 原来是那么的怀念
现在的 原来是那么的悲哀
未来的 原来是那么的黑暗
我到底去了哪里？
笑声 原来已经没有当初的单纯
心灵 原来已经没有当初的冰清
身躯 原来已经没有当初的活泼
心跳 原来已经没有当初的目的
我到底在哪里？
讨厌 演服
讨厌 谎言
讨厌 演技
讨厌 夸说
讨厌 密语
讨厌 讨厌
我 如果能 我希望 我奢望
可怜的眼泪 能够为我洗净一切
寻回 当初的自己
我。。。
很快乐 最可悲的答案 最无助的安慰
把它穿上吧~ 可怕的世界需要它的安抚。。。
如果 再如果
我可以选择
我想要 回去当初的我
那单纯的我 那最单纯的笑容
可是 一切 所有 变了
天空
蔚蓝的天空
美妙的天空
闭上眼睛
张开双手
舒适的风
飘逸的温柔
清晰地叫声
清爽的味道
绿绿的草丛
组合成乐队
是否影影约约
告述自己
“孩子 扬起你的笑脸 把影子留在身后”
我 笑了
不是那可悲的 笑
不是那可惜的 笑
不是那淫邪的 笑
而是
那 最真诚
那 最单纯
那 最舒适
那 我最爱的笑容
大大力的深呼吸
把无需的废气 统统给豁出去
我 重生了
我 要改变
“当你在听一首歌时，你听的，你喜爱的不是因为它美妙的旋律，而是它为你而唱的心情。”
一首能够让你掉眼泪的一首，是否因为它的旋律符合你的心情？
面具。。演技。。是否都行的通？？
那一句问候，你的回答，是否就只有安慰，安抚关心你的人？？
闭上眼睛
面具，演技，谎言
听着心跳
耸起双肩 戴上耳机
旋律的飘逸
围绕着身边每一个细胞
微妙的旋律 顽皮的手指
不停玩弄着 起起伏伏的脚趾
批掉身上的演服
我 那是真正的我吗？
谎言的可悲
说出了一个 就必须续集
我能坦白吗？
可笑里的笑
是心里真正 世界桃园吗？
我到底在哪里？
头 渐渐靠拢耸起的双脚
双手 渐渐抱起无助的身躯
寻找着 听见自己的声音
我到底在哪里？
脑子 任由心曲带着当初的自己
朗读声 原来是那么的好听
追逐声 原来是那么的单纯
教师们 原来是那么的美好
当初的 原来是那么的舒服
过去的 原来是那么的怀念
现在的 原来是那么的悲哀
未来的 原来是那么的黑暗
我到底去了哪里？
笑声 原来已经没有当初的单纯
心灵 原来已经没有当初的冰清
身躯 原来已经没有当初的活泼
心跳 原来已经没有当初的目的
我到底在哪里？
讨厌 演服
讨厌 谎言
讨厌 演技
讨厌 夸说
讨厌 密语
讨厌 讨厌
我 如果能 我希望 我奢望
可怜的眼泪 能够为我洗净一切
寻回 当初的自己
我。。。
很快乐 最可悲的答案 最无助的安慰
把它穿上吧~ 可怕的世界需要它的安抚。。。
如果 再如果
我可以选择
我想要 回去当初的我
那单纯的我 那最单纯的笑容
可是 一切 所有 变了
天空
蔚蓝的天空
美妙的天空
闭上眼睛
张开双手
舒适的风
飘逸的温柔
清晰地叫声
清爽的味道
绿绿的草丛
组合成乐队
是否影影约约
告述自己
“孩子 扬起你的笑脸 把影子留在身后”
我 笑了
不是那可悲的 笑
不是那可惜的 笑
不是那淫邪的 笑
而是
那 最真诚
那 最单纯
那 最舒适
那 我最爱的笑容
大大力的深呼吸
把无需的废气 统统给豁出去
我 重生了
我 要改变
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