自個兒？？ #No L.M.A. please~

I always tell myself not to judge people by the book cover.
I really don't like your "everyone is the same"...
Honestly, it's hurt my feeling...

I thought your were different because you knew how it's feel...
But it's seem that...
I never thought off, not even once that, that particular phase will come out from your mouth.
Honestly, i'm kind of disappointed.

The moral of the story is..
Don't speak when your mood is ruined.
Words that came out from your mouth might hurt others as well.

I don't mind to be your listener.
I asked because I care...
I treated you as someone which much more than just being a stranger friend.
A friend that I appreciated.
Don't ever asked me to leave you alone.
I really hate to hear that.
Because when ever somebody tell me that, I found myself not been trusted as how I trusted you.

Friendship...
what's make friendship??
Aren't friendship not your fundamental??
When did you start to believe it??
It's just enough to have Cow and Darren to be in your best friend's list.
BFF.

ahhhhhh~ it's just so contradicting...
Great one~ you ruined my mood. :(

冰沙の記憶。當 “新歡” 遇見了 “舊愛” #the Snow。when miracles happened

我毕业了哦~~
他好像没有在我脑子里好一段时间了~ O(∩_∩)O哈哈~
遇见他时，好像没有了心跳加速的感觉。。感觉就像。。。很普通很普通的心跳。
但是，我还是希望他会幸福快乐。。心想事成。

今天，我只个儿去了夜市一趟。
回的途中~脑子里呈现了一段感想。

在这人海茫茫当中，就像白安的那首歌。。。
我是宇宙间的尘埃。。。
一个人的力量真的是微不足道。。。

人。。不会因为出生寒酸而可悲。
人。。不会因为生活辛酸而可悲。
人。。更不会因为身体残障而可悲。
人。。最可悲的是对于事物的冷漠。

你是否尝试过站在一段热闹的夜市，站在那原地不动。。。
看着人来人往，有的随你而去，有的随你而来。。
当你闭上眼睛，听见。。夜市里的吵闹声。。减价声。。
我发现自己真的无比的渺小，这世界的冷漠真的很可悲，显得有点说不出的可怜。
因为，当你这样做时，这世界给予的眼光不是关怀，更不是情切，而是你在干嘛？她是不是神经的？所谓好狗不挡路。

其实，这感想也得谢谢路边的失去左脚的乞丐。
当乞丐在另一端乞求人们的施舍时，人都会走向另一端，抱着一种心态：能免则免。

我并不觉得我是善良的，我是大方的，我是一个富有爱心的，其实，我也会像他人一样。。能免则免。
当我遇见他时，我也像平常的路人般，冷漠他。
但是。。。我被他的眼神吸引着了。
心里很纠结，我放慢了我的脚步，从口袋里掏了一零吉，给了他。
其实当时，第一句话划过我的脑子就是：他是不是骗子与你有何关系？虽说一零吉，如果是真的，多多少少也能帮助啊~给他吧~

一路来回，我总共遇见3为乞丐，但我只给了一位。。。因为另外那两位对我而言，他们是有能力工作的。所以我忽略了而另外两个。
但是。。。我感觉自己好像很坏，很矛盾，好像在推翻自己刹那间划过的想法。

就因为这样，我才感觉人的冷漠真的很可悲。。。

今天的感觉，有点像当 “新欢” 遇见了 “旧爱”。
意味着，当新概念遮盖了陈旧的思念。

冰沙の記憶· 四 #the snow·four

At last...my Chinese New Year ended and I was sick. Great one!
But...through this, I realized that my parents were the greatest peoples in the world. :)
My daddy gave his only lychee from the tree which planted at our garden, to me when I am studying. :)
and my lovely mumi prepared all this food for me to bring back to PJ. (^.^) and she helped me to cut those "ba gua" into smaller pieces and filled them in into a container so that it is easy for me to eat.

They are so lovely~ :) I 'm felt that i'm the luckiest girl in the world. :)
I LOVE YOU BOTH VERY VERY MUCH! :) muakkkksssss~
I will study hard and make you guys proud of me~ I promised! :)

Somehow, he is still "floating" in my mind.
I don't know why I found it hard to forget him.
I know we are impossible but the bond between us is difficult to break. :/
He will automatically "float" into my mind when I 'm having my day dream.
*xiu xiu xiu*
I don't want you, get out of my mind please!
If..it is possible~ I wish that I could put a no entry sign on my head. :/

冰沙の記憶· 叁 #the snow·three

Isn't it great when all those sadness... unhappy stuffs can be mop off just like when we are mopping the dirty floor...

 

冰沙の記憶·貳 #the snow·two

I'm really an idiot for the pass~
Now this made sense..
This is totally ridiculous~

I really found myself like a clown for the pass.
Why am I that stupid!
I'm an idiot!
I'm felt so awkward when Z told me that actually he knew everything and every single of our conversation.
I was like what!?!?
Obviously, this show how stupid am I!

I really feel like digging a hole and bury myself in it.

For the pass, I always thought that I know a lot things.
I have gone through a lot of....things that I actually thought that I am mature enough in my thinking.
Eventually, I am not!
I am not that ready yet to step into this society.
I am not that ready yet to step into this reality.
My God!

What the hell is going on!
hahaha~
I'm so funny~ :(

Out of sudden, I felt this world...really scary~
KL was a place that much more complicated that I thought.
Everyone is so faked!
Untrustable~

Today, I have my dinner with friends which one of them was him~
I actually wanted to look at him, directly...but I failed to do so..
I really wanted to know, what is actually in his mind and his heart.
I really wants to know, who is he?
He looks like a stranger to me right now.
A stranger that I thought I knew who was he but eventually, I know nothing about him~
I actually fell in love into a stranger??
Seriously..this is insane!!
Love is blind??
Is it an excuse, so that everyone can escaped from the topic of being an idiot?
This is ridiculous~ Seriously, it is!

Honestly, I really wanted to look at him and use my heart to feel...
To feel, who is he actually? what is his power to make me felt to him?
But I failed to do that~
I felt awkward~ I have done too many idiot stuffs eventually, I don't feel like facing it anymore.
Every time, every moment that flashed back what I had done, I felt like an idiot!
I asked myself, every time~ "why am I doing that kind of things? What am I thinking?"
Somehow, each time...the answer is still the same~ "I don't know"
Funny right?
I found myself like an idiot, like a crown...entertained him and hurt myself more~

I really hate myself right now~


Yesterday...he went for the dodgeball training...
and I found it so awkward~
You know~ The first thing which flew into my mind was~ "Why is he appeared in this court? Searching for another target?"
My God!
His reputation kind of ruining?
I meant, for me~

But I believed, time is everything~
What doesn't kill you make you stronger~
I guess~
hmmmm~ actually..I should be thankful~
Really thank you for everything that he had done!
Eventually, he taught me a lot of things which can't find in the book~
Thank you :)
You made me growth~
So that I'm no longer that naive~

Somehow~
Why? Why? Why?
Dear Diary...
Please tell me~ Why human being must be that fake??
Why must they be so dramatic?
I can't get it...
I really hate those~
Booooo~

However :)
Thank you Diary.
Thank you for being a good mate.
I feel...hmmmm~ feeling better~ hahaha
Honestly, dear Diary..you are the only one that I can speak the truth~
The only only one who I really can speak "loudly" without hurting anyone feeling~
Thank you for being such a good mate :)
*grateful* :)

冰沙の記憶·壹 #the snow

I guess~
I should give a try on this method.

Write down, state down what ever that I have done for the day including the moment that I thought of you.

Basically, today... I skipped the Contract class just because for a test that I am worried about. I skipped the class and hide inside the library. Funny joke~ Why am I that useless??
Such a coward! *ironically laugh*
When I was in the library doing my revision for Contract, I sound my ears with one of my favorite song, "Bitter Sweet" and I thought of you.
In that moment, I felt like an useless.
I felt so gloomy out of a sudden~ and feel like crying..

The second time was when I saw a friend..
Who named Geetha~ she was an Indian.
and what I found it interesting was..
She is exactly doing what ever things that I have done.
She is exactly on the path that I had been before.
She was fall to a guy named Patrick, but of cause..mine was not Patrick.
However, this was not the main point. The main point was, their relationship was like our relationship.
The only different was, they are Indian and we are Chinese.
Somehow, I hoped that yours was a happy ending as mine was...not a sad ending..hmmm~ kind of..not a good ending??
ahhhh~ screwed it! Whatever! 

I told Farah that, what ever that I had been go through.
That's why...
I am totally understand what was that feeling.
I am totally understand how Geetha felt about it.

Me, who was a freaking idiot told almost everything about myself to him which similar to things that Geetha had done right now.
It is totally like, she is walking on the path, my previous path that I had gone through.
So silly..
I guess he is laughing when I told him about myself. May be he will think that I'm that fake, who are trying to search for sympathy from him? Who knows.. Right?
Anyway~
I'm kind of agreed with the statement that Farah had made.
"Girls shouldn't make the first move because it always made girls look stupid and desperate."
True~ fair enough.
I'm the sample. That freaking idiot.
I felt like...not me...
When I was alone, things just flied over... memories just flashed over...
I felt like, I am an useless fella..
as what Chinese used to say:"窝囊"

Day by day, what can made me feel better was this quote:
"Sometimes, our "problem" seen to be as big as the shadows...but actually they are little."
As I always do...*pat my heart and take a deep breath*
tell myself that: everything is going to be so fine..Gambatteh!"

I named this post as 冰沙の記憶 #the snow
Just like snow...
You can't keep snow as it will melt.
Once it is melted, what lelf was the memories between you and the snow...
What was left was, the feeling between you and the snow...
You can't keep it, you can't see once winter is over.
Even though how desperate you are, it is over...
What left was the memories and the feeling between you and the snow, just like he and me.
I won't said that he cheated on me or he hurt my feeling.
Instead, I will consider that as I hurt myself as to be honest..he did not promise anything.
As I 'm the only freaking idiot who thought that everything is right.
Seriously~ I can even laugh at myself, how silly am I!

"Bitter sweet" was one of my favorite song as it was my memories..
Honestly, I'm thankful~
Instead of hate you, I prefer to say thank you.
Thank you for creating memories with me..
I'm silly..I know..but at least there are some memories that worthy.
I like the most was when we are skating on ice.
Even though, I don't really know how to skate, or don't even know how to skate..
but~ that was my first time of playing it after so many years of living in this earth which might be gone in one day.

At least~ when I was thankful~
I feel better even though I am an idiot~
I know I'm contradicting myself.
But this is how I felt...right now..
Honestly~ Gambatteh!
As I love to say, when Malaysia Boleh! I pun boleh!
It just a matter of time~
加油！ ↖(^ω^)↗

自殺 #commit suicide

很久很久都沒用華語了~

今天的我，似乎領悟前所未能領悟到的道理。
有史以來，我一直都認為“自殺”的行為，是一種非常愚蠢，是一種不能被接受的行為。

但經過一番的談話，似乎不能抹殺他們“沒理智”的行為，更不能抹殺他們的道理。
在這世界上 ，人。。真的太多種類了。
家庭，環境，種種的困難似乎不再人類的掌握中。
種種的理由讓某些人的生活在極大的壓力中，侮辱中，暴力中，無能中，無奈中等等，都讓人似乎無法呼吸，喘不過，透不過來。
漸漸地，“自殺”的念頭從中飄過，引誘著，既向他們拍手叫好，贊同如此做法是一種釋放，是一種釋懷。

一旦，失去了鑒定，失去了意義，失去了堅持，失去了精神等等。。就會投入不歸之旅，像我一位朋友所說的“長睡”。 因為他們累了~不想再戰鬥下去了。

所以，那番談話讓我的思想有所改變，我們不應說，“自殺”是一種愚蠢，但是能歸類它為人們對生活失去堅信與堅定的做法。因為我們不知道他們的過去，他們所需面對的壓力，所需面對的。。。往往似乎都不是我們所臆想到的。
我們往往會信口開河說“自殺”是一種愚蠢，因為我們不成經歷過。
某些事情某些事物，不曾套入我們的生活中。他們痛苦的經歷與我們相比，似乎有所一大截的距離。

我似乎有所領悟，但似乎有所矛盾。
打個比方，即使讓你結束了，成功“長睡”，事情真的有所改變嗎？
事情會變得美好嗎？
世界少了你，會讓所有事情變得更美好嗎？
你家人會因此而快樂嗎？

我記得你曾經告訴我，當你被人幹掉時，當某人的因素導致你入院，只要你還有一口氣，并拜託任何人的一通電話，你父母就會知道如何包辦。
從中，你說。。。其實你父母還是疼你的。
如果，你說即使你自殺，他們都毫無反對，毫無感覺。。
句子似乎有所前後矛盾。
天下的父母都是一樣，所謂虎不食犬，十月懷胎，你認為他們真的沒感覺嗎？？

我承認，我是來自不富裕但還算不錯，至少我吃得飽，穿得暖。
當你九歲時，你就開始出來社會，開始你第一份工作，開始你第一份工錢。
而我，我的九歲 還樂在其中，即使從中出現被出賣的感覺，讓我有所體會，有所領悟，但至少我學習了，並可說我是幸福的。
你的過去，讓我堅定我是幸福的。
你的過去，讓我有所領悟。。原來我過去的生活，不是最糟糕的。
當你提起你的過去，我只能一笑帶過，因為。。我不知道，我應給予哪種反應。因為我不是過來人。
但我還是堅持，死，不是一切。
“自殺”是一種自私的行為。
不是所有的東西，都是死了一了百了的原則。
對！絕對真確，死能解百惑，能解百愁。
只有死，你才能得到釋懷，釋放。。
但，你知道嗎？當你得到解脫時，當你拍拍屁股一溜時，你留下了永恆不負責任的攤子，給了你的父母，給了你的家人。
你有曾想過，他們會因此而內疚？
你說，你家一直都被人看不起，但你死後，你家人不是更糟糕嗎？

我是幸福的~ 我更希望我身邊的每一個人，都是幸福的。
我願意與你分享我那不起眼的幸福~我只希望你不要如此消愁，不要處處蹦向壞處，並且對生活失去堅信，堅持。
雨後，總會出現彩虹。
更像夕陽，他的出現，他的光芒四射，即使天空再黑，總會天亮，代表著希望處處都是，就在於你對他的那有所的觀念，那有所的堅定，那有所得堅持。

我不確定我是否能改變你的思想。
但是我衷心希望你是幸福的，你可以成功再挨過令一個二十年。

朋友，加油吧！
:)