冰沙の記憶·貳 #the snow·two

I'm really an idiot for the pass~
Now this made sense..
This is totally ridiculous~

I really found myself like a clown for the pass.
Why am I that stupid!
I'm an idiot!
I'm felt so awkward when Z told me that actually he knew everything and every single of our conversation.
I was like what!?!?
Obviously, this show how stupid am I!

I really feel like digging a hole and bury myself in it.

For the pass, I always thought that I know a lot things.
I have gone through a lot of....things that I actually thought that I am mature enough in my thinking.
Eventually, I am not!
I am not that ready yet to step into this society.
I am not that ready yet to step into this reality.
My God!

What the hell is going on!
hahaha~
I'm so funny~ :(

Out of sudden, I felt this world...really scary~
KL was a place that much more complicated that I thought.
Everyone is so faked!
Untrustable~

Today, I have my dinner with friends which one of them was him~
I actually wanted to look at him, directly...but I failed to do so..
I really wanted to know, what is actually in his mind and his heart.
I really wants to know, who is he?
He looks like a stranger to me right now.
A stranger that I thought I knew who was he but eventually, I know nothing about him~
I actually fell in love into a stranger??
Seriously..this is insane!!
Love is blind??
Is it an excuse, so that everyone can escaped from the topic of being an idiot?
This is ridiculous~ Seriously, it is!

Honestly, I really wanted to look at him and use my heart to feel...
To feel, who is he actually? what is his power to make me felt to him?
But I failed to do that~
I felt awkward~ I have done too many idiot stuffs eventually, I don't feel like facing it anymore.
Every time, every moment that flashed back what I had done, I felt like an idiot!
I asked myself, every time~ "why am I doing that kind of things? What am I thinking?"
Somehow, each time...the answer is still the same~ "I don't know"
Funny right?
I found myself like an idiot, like a crown...entertained him and hurt myself more~

I really hate myself right now~


Yesterday...he went for the dodgeball training...
and I found it so awkward~
You know~ The first thing which flew into my mind was~ "Why is he appeared in this court? Searching for another target?"
My God!
His reputation kind of ruining?
I meant, for me~

But I believed, time is everything~
What doesn't kill you make you stronger~
I guess~
hmmmm~ actually..I should be thankful~
Really thank you for everything that he had done!
Eventually, he taught me a lot of things which can't find in the book~
Thank you :)
You made me growth~
So that I'm no longer that naive~

Somehow~
Why? Why? Why?
Dear Diary...
Please tell me~ Why human being must be that fake??
Why must they be so dramatic?
I can't get it...
I really hate those~
Booooo~

However :)
Thank you Diary.
Thank you for being a good mate.
I feel...hmmmm~ feeling better~ hahaha
Honestly, dear Diary..you are the only one that I can speak the truth~
The only only one who I really can speak "loudly" without hurting anyone feeling~
Thank you for being such a good mate :)
*grateful* :)