自殺 #commit suicide

很久很久都沒用華語了~

今天的我，似乎領悟前所未能領悟到的道理。
有史以來，我一直都認為“自殺”的行為，是一種非常愚蠢，是一種不能被接受的行為。

但經過一番的談話，似乎不能抹殺他們“沒理智”的行為，更不能抹殺他們的道理。
在這世界上 ，人。。真的太多種類了。
家庭，環境，種種的困難似乎不再人類的掌握中。
種種的理由讓某些人的生活在極大的壓力中，侮辱中，暴力中，無能中，無奈中等等，都讓人似乎無法呼吸，喘不過，透不過來。
漸漸地，“自殺”的念頭從中飄過，引誘著，既向他們拍手叫好，贊同如此做法是一種釋放，是一種釋懷。

一旦，失去了鑒定，失去了意義，失去了堅持，失去了精神等等。。就會投入不歸之旅，像我一位朋友所說的“長睡”。 因為他們累了~不想再戰鬥下去了。

所以，那番談話讓我的思想有所改變，我們不應說，“自殺”是一種愚蠢，但是能歸類它為人們對生活失去堅信與堅定的做法。因為我們不知道他們的過去，他們所需面對的壓力，所需面對的。。。往往似乎都不是我們所臆想到的。
我們往往會信口開河說“自殺”是一種愚蠢，因為我們不成經歷過。
某些事情某些事物，不曾套入我們的生活中。他們痛苦的經歷與我們相比，似乎有所一大截的距離。

我似乎有所領悟，但似乎有所矛盾。
打個比方，即使讓你結束了，成功“長睡”，事情真的有所改變嗎？
事情會變得美好嗎？
世界少了你，會讓所有事情變得更美好嗎？
你家人會因此而快樂嗎？

我記得你曾經告訴我，當你被人幹掉時，當某人的因素導致你入院，只要你還有一口氣，并拜託任何人的一通電話，你父母就會知道如何包辦。
從中，你說。。。其實你父母還是疼你的。
如果，你說即使你自殺，他們都毫無反對，毫無感覺。。
句子似乎有所前後矛盾。
天下的父母都是一樣，所謂虎不食犬，十月懷胎，你認為他們真的沒感覺嗎？？

我承認，我是來自不富裕但還算不錯，至少我吃得飽，穿得暖。
當你九歲時，你就開始出來社會，開始你第一份工作，開始你第一份工錢。
而我，我的九歲 還樂在其中，即使從中出現被出賣的感覺，讓我有所體會，有所領悟，但至少我學習了，並可說我是幸福的。
你的過去，讓我堅定我是幸福的。
你的過去，讓我有所領悟。。原來我過去的生活，不是最糟糕的。
當你提起你的過去，我只能一笑帶過，因為。。我不知道，我應給予哪種反應。因為我不是過來人。
但我還是堅持，死，不是一切。
“自殺”是一種自私的行為。
不是所有的東西，都是死了一了百了的原則。
對！絕對真確，死能解百惑，能解百愁。
只有死，你才能得到釋懷，釋放。。
但，你知道嗎？當你得到解脫時，當你拍拍屁股一溜時，你留下了永恆不負責任的攤子，給了你的父母，給了你的家人。
你有曾想過，他們會因此而內疚？
你說，你家一直都被人看不起，但你死後，你家人不是更糟糕嗎？

我是幸福的~ 我更希望我身邊的每一個人，都是幸福的。
我願意與你分享我那不起眼的幸福~我只希望你不要如此消愁，不要處處蹦向壞處，並且對生活失去堅信，堅持。
雨後，總會出現彩虹。
更像夕陽，他的出現，他的光芒四射，即使天空再黑，總會天亮，代表著希望處處都是，就在於你對他的那有所的觀念，那有所的堅定，那有所得堅持。

我不確定我是否能改變你的思想。
但是我衷心希望你是幸福的，你可以成功再挨過令一個二十年。

朋友，加油吧！
:)

#dieting...

She is my next target! *laugh*
I meant her body shape! *laugh*
She was hot and sexy! weeeeeeeeee~
Sheryi GAMBATTEH!!!!

#smile :)

*deep breath* This was a picture that I took when I was in the Youth Exchange Winter Camp 2012.
Through this picture..I realized..
no matter how sad you are..keep it to yourself :) no one will care about it even though they said they care.
Don't be too naive, is time for you to grow....stay strong sheryi....
Treat yourself well was the most important move. Just like the sun rise and the sun set...does anyone care about the sun??  Even though, the sun is still doing the same thing for each of the day, the earth is still rotating along the orbit.

So why don't we just learn from the sun and smile like a sun..as what we used to say: sunshine!!

I believed there are always a rainbow waiting at the end after the rains stop~
after crying~ stand up and wipe off all the tears and  tell yourself:
Even though you are sad, just try your best to draw a big smile on your face and say Hi to a new day...
Even though you are sad, just try your best to spread your happiness to others, let the sadness end right here and right now, a fullstops at the sentence of the sadness.
Be grateful for being still alive. :)
Pray for everyone and pray for him :)
Wish everyone best of luck!! *thumbs up* :)
Wish he will be happy and best of luck in his chef's journey...
Jesus always at your side *pat pat* HUNGRY CHEF. LOL
hmmmm~ Friends forever :) LOL
yup yup yup~ sheryi is a happy girl. *I'm charging!*  hahaha XD
*deep breath* hmmmmm~ a new day!!! ^^Y

#memory

I guess I know what was the answer~
haiz~
my God!
My heart is pain...yea~ that's right...let me gg.com for once short...
haiz~

Today I went to Nandos with my classmates after the Human Rights class.
I ordered 1/3 of chicken with honey and herb sauce. My sides was grilled vegetables and chips.
This made me flashed back when I was with him. This time my grilled vegetables do not have any mushrooms. :( I remembered he will give his mushroom to me and I will surely asked him why you don't want to eat and he always tell me that because I like to eat.
This was different now~ :) he was not there...and Yande asked me "are you dated with someone?"
I was stunned for that moment.."am i??" but lastly I answered "no"
I don't know~ I guess he will think that I'm psycho~ who wants to date with a psycho fella??
Ridiculous right? sheryi is such a ridiculous fella. haiz~
I supposed to be in Sabah~ if wasn't this, if wasn't dodge ball...I won't knew him. and i won't screwed things up...what am I suppose to do?
Sheryi stay strong~ stay strong~
*pat pat* everything is going to be so fine...everything is going to be so fine...

#Last strike :(

A gloomy day~
Today was the worst day ever....
Why am I trying to tell him?? It was like too much man!!! My God!
I guess after today...we will forever lost contact.... :(
Basically I told him how I felt. Why am I so stupid!!! :(
Honestly no jokes and I guess I no longer need to hide or deny.
Yes true! I like YOU. Falling to you was the stupidest thing I ever done, the awkward moment and the rebellious act.

That was because falling to you is the stupidest thing I ever done as through out my history...
If it was last time...I won't tell you and don't even hope that I will write anything about my feeling because I don't hope that I will lost someone that I like but loosing him as a friend. At least rational is still with me...but somehow, falling to you it seem that my rational no longer with me and getting much more stupid. I tell myself not to care more but eventually I care much more than last time.

The awkward moments was I don't know why...I just like the feeling when you are beside me, I like the feeling that you hugs me..I just like the feeling when you are with me even though I heard a lots of your past, even though you smoke, even though you sisha. I don't know... I remembered someone told me, you should find a partner which can made you to be a better person. I don't know..I always with the feeling of standing in the middle of the crossing road because I don't know will there be someone that I wish to waiting for me on the other end of the road if I cross it or everything is just a fairy tales which I always tend that fairy tales bring disappointment. This is why I feel awkward. Besides, another awkward moment was when you know about my past. and I guess you will think that I'm actually creating stories to get empathy or sympathy..eventually you might be laughing right now..that's why I don't tell about myself to anyone, I rather keep it as a secret but I don't know why am I telling you most of it...I don't need empathy or sympathy...

Rebellious..that was because my parents totally don't agree that I'm in relationship when I'm still study, and I'm should be the girl who always listen to my parents as usual. Somehow, I found out that I no longer listening as I hope that at least something that I can make out of my own decision and eventually lots of people think that we don't suit each other as I'm not your type and asked me to let go..get rid of it...but I don't know..
I was like an idiot sound like peace but don't seem like peace in mind. Tend to tell that I don't care but i care much more that last time. Hope that you will know what I'm thinking eventually I 'm the one who lost my own self. 

You said I stabbed you in your heart...really?? Haiz...I didn't hear anything from you eventually I'm the one who speak much more than you do. Do you really care about what we going to be? I am always ask myself and telling myself..this must be the last time and it shouldn't be happening again...no more care about it..no more tears and peace in my mind. :(
I guess you won't reply my messages and i guess after today we will just end like that and you will be my history.

I guess that will be my last time to express myself before I get back into my own boxes, my own reality...as is you lead me out of it, is you let me wish that you can be my side when I'm sick or when I felt darkness. you was the one of the reason that I rejected another him. That day, actually I hope that you will asked me to reject him, eventually the funniest thing was you asked me to be with him if I'm comfortable with it. You encourage me.. Honestly, I'm sad towards that answer that you gave. Do you know that I felt much more comfortable when I was with you and when you was by my side? Eventually I hope that you will asked me to stay with you but you didn't....I guess I should really move off. Even though we don't speak much when we are together but I love the moment when only left me and you. I'm a noob. I'm really a noob and an idiot. Just give me some time...I will move off from your life and I will no longer message you.

I told you that my heart is in ICU and gasping for air...eventually I'm struggling. I don't know what I have done is a right or a wrong like now.. Eventually I remember you said sometimes peoples are single and unavailable is just because they don't hope to get involve...I guess you are telling that we are impossible. I respect that...You have nothing to be sorry...If really wanna say sorry I guess I should be one...Sorry for disturbing you...I always knew that I won't be that lucky. The case with Gregory and now..you... I should know that and I should knew it from the very beginning that love always don't belong to me. Primary, secondary and now..Love always scared of me...it's sound like I don't deserve it. haha~ :(

I don't know...I wish you luck, my good mate...I only hope that you will happy.
I don't meant to make your life miserable or hard...as I don't hope to be another Christine...
But I hope that we will still..remained friendship forever?? a good mate, friend???
What ever it is...I'm tired...
I believed that I m still not that stupid until don't know what is happening as I'm not that thick face fella...and I don't think that I can be that strong forever.. so yea~
one short let me gg.com, I guess that will be a greatest choice...
I guess no one is perfect...but though, it is incredible how a person enters your life and changes your perspective on the present and even future! thank you...
Appreciate things that you have done. Wish you luck~ *from my bottom of my heart*
I guess I'm the stupidest person you ever met...are you laughing at me?? Even though I, myself started to laugh at myself...Scolding myself...stupid sheryi stupid sheryi...

#2012?? before it end!

Time passed just like a shooting star.
Really fast~
Today was the last day of the year of 2012.

Hmm~ this few weeks were busy weeks~
There was a Japanese girl named Natsuki Kamada stayed in my house as we are the host.
She is a cute girl, really cute especially with her long hair, demo she cut her hair short when she came to Malaysia as everyone know Malaysia was a terribly hot country.

Somehow, she was kind of choosy fella~ She don't really eat much and she don't really like to try new food. That was the part that my family got in trouble and headache about it the most.
Other than that~ was fine.

We went to Genting on the 26th of December and stayed over for one night.
In my opinion, it was a boring 2 days 1 night trip and I felt like wasting the RM 132 for the theme park. LOL~
Playing kiddo games~ was the day of my life which I can't forget~ LOL.
What a funny trip of all and it was only 3 of us~ boring~
Even though, it is boring...I do managed to observe various kind of cute and lovely stuff.
As what i remembered, was the daddy~ He was really cute and lovely. He was a great dad! Honestly, he don't mind being the kid's nanny by helping his daughter to carry a Hannah Montana's bag eventually I guess his daughter is around standard 5 or standard 6. What a lovely daddy, as I know daddy used to has ego face, carrying a girl's bag...hmmm~ i guess it should be a shame to them. LOL.
Somehow, the daddy was really awesome!

In the same day, Cow called me when I was in a cable car. LOL~
She asked about him. She asked how was everything going on. Eventually I didn't told her directly through the phone but message her.
I told her everything that was on my mind.
I remembered she did say, "really don't care about it meh?"
hmmmm~ I guess...yea~ which I have promised myself not to do that after the incident that happen on the 12.12.12.

Camp which on the 28th of December at the Glory beach~ hmmmmm~
Kind of excitement since I was like staying in a foreign country and talk less than usually, much more lesser than my usual day~ LOL. Somehow, I do learn a lot from them! They are nice, I guess if I can speak well in Nihon-go~ I guess I will be the noisiest~ LOL.
Anyway, some Japanese thought that I was good in Nihon-go, I guess what they means was at least I still can communicate with them even though I am not that good in speaking Nihon-go. LOL.
Or, they are just being polite~ LOL
Anyway, glad to meet them. Hope next year when I join this camp, I would be able to speak better Nihon-go. Gambatteh kudasai!

Along the 3 days 2 nights camp, I did chat with him and yet there was one fine day which Alan tried to imitate the way he flirt with others girl. LOL. and remember..he did mention about, "if i speak the way how he speak, you will still flirt with him right?" LOL
Actually I know what that means. lol
Somehow, I reply him with "halleluyah, peace in my mind"
Yea~ I guess I do. Sheryi is strong.
No matter what happen~ no one is allow to take away my happiness.

He like to flirt is his business, on the day of 12.12.12...I guess I did learn something.
Don't tell me that you are trying to flirt less, prove to me if you care about me.
Trust is just like a crystal ball. When it was broke, nothing can fix it and there will always a scald even though it is fixed.
Somehow, I know you don't care...so yea~ why should i care?? LOL
You said, your type of girl should lovely, caring, understanding, little jealous but don't think too much. *I guess that's all if I'm not mistaken* LOL
So yea, actually I wanted to tell you...if you don't hope the girl to think too much~ then proved to her? not just sweet talk~
LOL. Somehow, just forget about it~ I know it won't happen~ *laugh* I don't means not to trust but I guess I trust what ever I saw~

Even though you said, Mr Piggy and Ms Piggy... but for me~ they don't have much relationship~
I still remembered the awareness, I stated my status on facebook as may be i'm single or it's complicated. LOL
Exactly, I don't really know whether we are in relationship or what ever.
So, i might consider that as I'm single~ LOL
So yea~ LOL. I guess, regard this kind of thingy, i might just hand it to the God. LOL

And yet today was the last day of the camp, after the camp, we went to Selangor Pewter which Natsuki bought a pewter which cost RM 150 something. LOL
And we traveled back to Seremban by KTM eventually I don't really know how to travel from KL Sentral back to Seremban. This was really my first time. LOL. Gome nei~ >.<
However, thank God that Dylan was there, my life savior. LOL
He was the photographer for the camp, kind of funny guy eventually a lot of Japanese girls said that he was sexy. Haha..
hmm~ for me rather than sexy..I guess I will consider him as kind of cute and handsome~ LOL
I don't really managed to speak with him until today when he was arranged by Lion Chea to fetch us to KL Sentral. what happen was, he can just drove off after dropping us but he didn't. Hmmm~ a gentleman?? LOL
Dylan was a 23 years old guy eventually I guess he was 24 when I was asked to guess his age. *laugh*
and he stay just near where I stayed. So yea~ I found another new friend which can help me when I was lost in KL. ahahahahahaha~
funny joke~ *laugh*
Anyway~ I'm great to meet him~

Last by not least~ Wishes of the year before it end.
What I wished was, I hoped the world will free of any crime and natural disaster.
A totally safe and nice earth which everyone can live happy ever after.
God bless everyone :)
No more rapist, no more pick pocket which eventually Hiyako-chan's passport was stealed by a pick pocket. *laugh* It happen when she was in Mid Valley. Screwed people who do this.

Secondly, I would wish my family healthy and dreams come true~ everything goes smoothly and always happy.
Of cause my family included  Higo's family. From the moment, I called them Okasan and Otosan, I have included them as part of my family. :)
God bless everyone :)

Thirdly, I would wish that I can do well in my studies and got a scholarship~ So that my parents won't be that suffer. God bless me~
Gambatteh kudasai~ Sheryi is the best!
Be happy don't worry~
my best quote of my life!
*laugh*

Gambatteh kudasai!  :)
xoxo

#blue sky

13.12.12
Whimsical of blue sky~
Close the eyes...listening to my favorite song...
I felt better~

My mood no longer like yesterday~
Sunny day is here~

I don't know..
Why am I that aggressive?
Why am I that emotional when he did not reply my message?
Why am I....
So many questions bound out from my brain.
Keep asking me why am I doing such a thing~
Even myself is laughing at myself.
Period huh?? *laugh*
Not like me at all~
but~ I believed, everything is going to be so fine~
let the God decide it~
Now on...i guess i choose silent~

I won't wait for your message;
I won't hold the phone tight anymore;
I have my life to go;
and you have yours as well;
Go ahead with your stuff and blast it out;
actually~ I do really understand when someone is busy and tire.
I know the condition well..as I been that for so many years~
I totally understand about it~  I don't want to be a trouble maker.
Trouble you all the way long.
As I don't like to trouble people and I don't like myself being trouble as well.
Sheryi should be go back inside the box. *laugh*
It is a bad thing that releasing Sheryi out from the box~ *laugh*

I want Allegro, and I prefer Allegro.
Gloomy day doesn't suited me at all.
May be sometimes~ Adagio? *laugh*
I don't mind, as long I'm happy :)
Happy ever after~
God bless everyone and peaceful every way. :)