久违了~ 心情非常漂浮。
再多13天，终于可以回国了。可却同时，心情也漂浮着无数的纳闷。
能够回国是件好事也同时可能是。。。
I am predicting things are over when I left the UK on the 9th.
The expectation should not happen in the first place.
Never regret on giving a try on this relationship. However, I should have predicted this to happen when my UK's journey ends.
Never regret coming to the UK for my final year. I gained and lost nothing. I am grateful.
I guess the only thing I missed, most probably will be the chance to study better than I possibly could. The chance for me to get a better result. To conclude it as missed, I rather say it as a regret on never try the best that I could.
Anyway, I am ready for the incoming, may be.
Good luck Sheryi!
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
Monday, September 26, 2016
#lost
Finished watching 'Kimi no nawa', which was one of the best animation so far I have encountered. The storyline was good and surprisingly, the drawing was really good. It is so perfect and detail.
Sparkle from Kimi no Nawa was my favorite OST.
But somehow, it gave me a 'dock-doki' feeling.
The song's melody gave me a hope but it gave me a miserable heart beat feeling as well.
I can really feel the insecureness which in builded inside.
There's way too many unpredictable and uncontrollable.
What, when, where, how.
What will I be in future?
Friday, August 12, 2016
The Sudden
太突然了， 也太快了吧～ 我幾乎不知所措。 為甚麼他會這麼做呢？我幾乎不知道應該給什麼反應，雖然那個不是我的初吻。如果是的話，我應該會給他一巴掌。呵呵～ 可是。。。我還是覺得太突然了。從未有過的驚慌失措。 我完了！
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Game Over
Long gone from this little cute paradise and here I am to rant or may be puke things I wanted to.
For the least, here is the only place that I found inner peace. I don't have to think about who and who's feeling that I need to care about. Is all me!
There's a lot of changes in my life recently. My result, my life back to Malaysia and the people that I met.
The most significant change is, I could not fly back to Malaysia and graduate with my course mates, which is a huge disappointment. I am so, so disappointed to myself. How could I done this silly mistake? The worst moment when my Dad told me that he supposed to be in UK for my graduation but not for holidays and he continued saying that I am not working hard enough. I nearly burst into tears but I know, I shouldn't and not supposed to because, my Dad was right. I am not working hard enough. I can actually feel the disappointment which I have given to my parents. The only words which floated in my mind was, I AM SUCKS! I m sucks...
I certainly have no idea is this a plan which meant for me. Am I meant to stay? Away from home, away from all the factors which obstructed me from finding myself? Anyhow, I am hearing, I am hearing to the way my heart leading me, and I am hearing to you, God. I will be keep going and be the best of me. I know, there's no turning back. I am so gonna scored this two subjects! Not matter what. I learned and changes start from now.
Recently, my crush when I was 19, texted me and he is flirting as what he did last time. He asked about my relationship with my Ex, and he comforted me with 'more fishes in the sea'. This was okay actually but he added, he might be the fish with 'I am joking' added at the back of the sentence. If back in those years when I was 19, I might falls for him again. But, he hurts me when I am willing to hand over my heart to him. He did not appreciate but taking for granted. I was being hurt deeply. I cried for my silliness almost every night. I cried for my stupidity almost every time I reflects back. I regretted on confronting him about how I feels about him. The most ironically moment when he rejected me with, 'I treated her as my sister'. I am grateful. Because, I grown up after his incident. He taught me about getting close, having mutual feelings doesn't meant that we are in love, it can be brother and sister's love. I learned and accepted this fact. I don't hate him but when I was 19, he took away my naive, my weakness, my heart and replaced it with rational, strong and steel. It is a good lesson and believe me or not, we will only be remained as friends forever. Your flirting, a strange numbness, unlike anything I have felt before. Game is over but I am grateful for what you have done to me. Thank you, my 19 years old's crush.
For the least, here is the only place that I found inner peace. I don't have to think about who and who's feeling that I need to care about. Is all me!
There's a lot of changes in my life recently. My result, my life back to Malaysia and the people that I met.
The most significant change is, I could not fly back to Malaysia and graduate with my course mates, which is a huge disappointment. I am so, so disappointed to myself. How could I done this silly mistake? The worst moment when my Dad told me that he supposed to be in UK for my graduation but not for holidays and he continued saying that I am not working hard enough. I nearly burst into tears but I know, I shouldn't and not supposed to because, my Dad was right. I am not working hard enough. I can actually feel the disappointment which I have given to my parents. The only words which floated in my mind was, I AM SUCKS! I m sucks...
I certainly have no idea is this a plan which meant for me. Am I meant to stay? Away from home, away from all the factors which obstructed me from finding myself? Anyhow, I am hearing, I am hearing to the way my heart leading me, and I am hearing to you, God. I will be keep going and be the best of me. I know, there's no turning back. I am so gonna scored this two subjects! Not matter what. I learned and changes start from now.
Recently, my crush when I was 19, texted me and he is flirting as what he did last time. He asked about my relationship with my Ex, and he comforted me with 'more fishes in the sea'. This was okay actually but he added, he might be the fish with 'I am joking' added at the back of the sentence. If back in those years when I was 19, I might falls for him again. But, he hurts me when I am willing to hand over my heart to him. He did not appreciate but taking for granted. I was being hurt deeply. I cried for my silliness almost every night. I cried for my stupidity almost every time I reflects back. I regretted on confronting him about how I feels about him. The most ironically moment when he rejected me with, 'I treated her as my sister'. I am grateful. Because, I grown up after his incident. He taught me about getting close, having mutual feelings doesn't meant that we are in love, it can be brother and sister's love. I learned and accepted this fact. I don't hate him but when I was 19, he took away my naive, my weakness, my heart and replaced it with rational, strong and steel. It is a good lesson and believe me or not, we will only be remained as friends forever. Your flirting, a strange numbness, unlike anything I have felt before. Game is over but I am grateful for what you have done to me. Thank you, my 19 years old's crush.
Monday, April 25, 2016
想念
要考试～ 考试过后，人生的转折点似乎也该开始了。
人的感觉真的很奇怪。
我们明明分手了，可是我好像开始想念了～
生活中，'他'的存在并没有少。不管是看过，听过，吃过，只要是有曾经，都会联想到他。
会想到，这好像是他会喜欢的。
会想到，这是他爱听的歌。
会想到，他的偶像也。。。
会想到，只要是与他有关系的，我们的曾经。。。
如果你问我，后悔吗？
没有～ 我很肯定，我们必须分手。
如果你问我，为什么？
我不知道。我只能说，我很自私。我想飞的更高。平淡，不是我想要的。
如果你问我，你爱他吗？
我不知道。我只能说，那答案好像动摇了。心中，还会有那一丝，想要知道他的近况。想要知道他过的还好吗？他，有遇到更好的吗？
如果你问我，这会不会是你对他的亏欠？
这段感情，我很内疚。
内疚感。。。
不曾少过
Friday, April 1, 2016
BYE~
There's no word to describe my feeling right now. I m glad that he accepted the fact that we broke up. However, I don't wished that he hoping for more hope that we will be together again. My feeling told me, we are impossible. OUR RELATIONSHIP won't be like the fairy tales, we have no happy and live forever after. I don't know whether it is a pro or con if I continue to keep in touch with him. Will it be affecting him, giving him hope if I changed our relationship from couple to best friend?
Anyway I am not God, I can't predict what happen next but, I will just follow my feeling. I am sorry if I given any hope, I just don't want to be that freaking mean.
Sunday, March 13, 2016
述说 #stories
日记视乎都渐渐的变成了一种习惯。
我可能都不会天天更新，可是一但我想说，这里就是我的天堂。
半年，我在英国活了说长不长说短过不短的日子。
如果别人问起，英国怎么啦？
其实，我真的解释不出。
很好的经验却形容不出。奇怪吧。
可是在这，我的情感，我的感想视乎都特别地丰盛。
解释不出，可是却都比较成长，比较独立。可能因为，一个人的时间，一个人毫无亲人之下，在陌生的地方生活，特别不同吧~ 其实，也让我更珍惜一家人在一起的日子。
就好像姐姐出嫁了，其实我很高兴可是却很不舍。那种感觉，不知道要如何解释。回想起当年，我特别特别讨厌，我们更是去到天天吵架斗嘴的地步。可是现在，即使要住在一起普通谈天都很困难。所以都特别珍惜。
一直以来，独来独往都是我一向的风格，可是出国申学的这段日子其实都出乎我意料。我变得更想去珍惜与同伴的日子，这是不是人老了的现象呢？呵呵~我开始很喜欢给予我真诚笑容的人，不管是朋友还是路人，更是餐厅里的顾客。真诚的付出换来的真诚，的却不同凡响。我很享受‘服务’的路程。
在KOTO的时间，其实我很感恩，也很享受。顾客教会我如何去对待，如何去表达。而同伴，却教会我珍惜，可能因为我快要离开这地方了吧。我学会，不去放太多希望，听到的，对或是不对，自己都会去分析。不多说，多做，是KOTO教会我的。
我的思想，都好像变得特别感性。
感想也特别的多。
想法更是比以前更成熟了~
我从来都没有真真的 reveal myself，在别人的我，都好像都必须带上面具。 在别人的眼里，我好像都是很强悍，是大家的开兴果，更是被人依赖。
在我的印象中，我好像从未在除了家人以外的面前为某事情哭过。更别说自己的苦呢~
我想呀，可是当事情在嘴边时，往往都会被吞回去。是因为不信任吗？还是，强者是我的包装。
我很喜欢，也很希望被了解，很想与人分享我真正地想法。可是别人都会说，如果你不说，别人怎么知道你的想法。可是我总觉得，只要有心，其实都不用说只要去体会，你会明白。我很相信，可是都好难吧~即使我自己也没有足够的把握去做到。
随缘吧~
未来是如何，漆黑地让我有股害怕。可能，我会离我爱的人，我在乎的人更远。我也不知道。可是，我很清楚，我想要帮助更多的人。我想让人看到希望与快乐，我想要世界的每个人都能都真诚的笑，都能幸福。
我可能都不会天天更新，可是一但我想说，这里就是我的天堂。
半年，我在英国活了说长不长说短过不短的日子。
如果别人问起，英国怎么啦？
其实，我真的解释不出。
很好的经验却形容不出。奇怪吧。
可是在这，我的情感，我的感想视乎都特别地丰盛。
解释不出，可是却都比较成长，比较独立。可能因为，一个人的时间，一个人毫无亲人之下，在陌生的地方生活，特别不同吧~ 其实，也让我更珍惜一家人在一起的日子。
就好像姐姐出嫁了，其实我很高兴可是却很不舍。那种感觉，不知道要如何解释。回想起当年，我特别特别讨厌，我们更是去到天天吵架斗嘴的地步。可是现在，即使要住在一起普通谈天都很困难。所以都特别珍惜。
一直以来，独来独往都是我一向的风格，可是出国申学的这段日子其实都出乎我意料。我变得更想去珍惜与同伴的日子，这是不是人老了的现象呢？呵呵~我开始很喜欢给予我真诚笑容的人，不管是朋友还是路人，更是餐厅里的顾客。真诚的付出换来的真诚，的却不同凡响。我很享受‘服务’的路程。
在KOTO的时间，其实我很感恩，也很享受。顾客教会我如何去对待，如何去表达。而同伴，却教会我珍惜，可能因为我快要离开这地方了吧。我学会，不去放太多希望，听到的，对或是不对，自己都会去分析。不多说，多做，是KOTO教会我的。
我的思想，都好像变得特别感性。
感想也特别的多。
想法更是比以前更成熟了~
我从来都没有真真的 reveal myself，在别人的我，都好像都必须带上面具。 在别人的眼里，我好像都是很强悍，是大家的开兴果，更是被人依赖。
在我的印象中，我好像从未在除了家人以外的面前为某事情哭过。更别说自己的苦呢~
我想呀，可是当事情在嘴边时，往往都会被吞回去。是因为不信任吗？还是，强者是我的包装。
我很喜欢，也很希望被了解，很想与人分享我真正地想法。可是别人都会说，如果你不说，别人怎么知道你的想法。可是我总觉得，只要有心，其实都不用说只要去体会，你会明白。我很相信，可是都好难吧~即使我自己也没有足够的把握去做到。
随缘吧~
未来是如何，漆黑地让我有股害怕。可能，我会离我爱的人，我在乎的人更远。我也不知道。可是，我很清楚，我想要帮助更多的人。我想让人看到希望与快乐，我想要世界的每个人都能都真诚的笑，都能幸福。
Monday, February 29, 2016
我四年一次的愿望 #Leap Year
4年一次的Leap year终于到来了。不知道会不会有人记得四年前的自己。
我。。不记得了。
四年前的自己，好模糊。
但今年的自己逊透了。
我比任何人更清楚，他不会是我想要一辈子的人。他的幸福不属于我，更不是我该完成的。
可是，我却是那个比任何人都想要他幸福的人。希望给予他这一切的人，不会再像自己任性，自私，把他的付出当成理所当然。更是我不想承认的，孤单的填补物品。
我真的不知道为什么当初会答应。是被逼吗？是心软吗？我真的不知道。
可是‘他不会是我一辈子人’，我真的说不出口。
我一心想把伤痛减的最低，可却制造了更多悲哀。
曾经，有人说，对别人仁慈，就是对自己残忍。这句话，我不知道。
我只知道，宁可对自己残忍也不要他难过。
不是伟大，可却是我能够弥补的，是我欠他的。
我太过分了~ 我的所作所为，我愿意受惩罚。
我希望他过得很好。我希望下一个的她，能够真正的珍惜他。
我会可能因此错过了一个好男人，可是我愿意为此做出代价。
我希望他相信我是个很花心的人，我愿意背上这罪名，我无所谓，是我欠他的。
至少他没有错，错在于我，我是那个毁了这段感情的人。
对不起，我的初恋。永别了~
一切都归零了~
我。。不记得了。
四年前的自己，好模糊。
但今年的自己逊透了。
我比任何人更清楚，他不会是我想要一辈子的人。他的幸福不属于我，更不是我该完成的。
可是，我却是那个比任何人都想要他幸福的人。希望给予他这一切的人，不会再像自己任性，自私，把他的付出当成理所当然。更是我不想承认的，孤单的填补物品。
我真的不知道为什么当初会答应。是被逼吗？是心软吗？我真的不知道。
可是‘他不会是我一辈子人’，我真的说不出口。
我一心想把伤痛减的最低，可却制造了更多悲哀。
曾经，有人说，对别人仁慈，就是对自己残忍。这句话，我不知道。
我只知道，宁可对自己残忍也不要他难过。
不是伟大，可却是我能够弥补的，是我欠他的。
我太过分了~ 我的所作所为，我愿意受惩罚。
我希望他过得很好。我希望下一个的她，能够真正的珍惜他。
我会可能因此错过了一个好男人，可是我愿意为此做出代价。
我希望他相信我是个很花心的人，我愿意背上这罪名，我无所谓，是我欠他的。
至少他没有错，错在于我，我是那个毁了这段感情的人。
对不起，我的初恋。永别了~
一切都归零了~
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
#the gift 礼物
I had a dream.
In the dream, I am buying a kebab from a person who is wearing military uniform.
During the kebab's making process, he ask me what am I studying and when did I feel like studying.
I said law and I cheated on him, I said while I am in my grade 7th for his second question.
He smile and told me a sentence which I totally have no idea what does that mean because he is speaking Spanish. LOL. However, he explained it at the end.
It means, 'you can be anything, as long you believed'.
And I woke up.
I think it is a prompt and it is a lovely one.
It gives me strength.
Thank you for the lovely gift. :)
Thank you God.
力量 #power
我还以为自己的适应能力很强，其实也不过如此。
在英国也有一段时间了，可是我似乎都容不下这的文化，不止与别人没有共同的话题，就连信心也彻底地给消灭。失败感无从地从心中越描越多。
有时看见别人能够无约束地，可以说出很顺口的英语就特别的羡慕。
我。。可以吗？
不～我一定行的，天下无难事，只怕有心人。
我知道，我未来该是什么了。
我想当说话人。语言达人。
梦想能成功吗？
我相信～
Thursday, February 18, 2016
#me 我
人生不像偶像剧。
预知结局，掌握过程。
人非草木。 我想要前进，可却会不犹豫地被往事给纠结着。
潇洒视乎都与我拉不上。
不管以往发生什么事，这一秒开始，决不让自己后悔。
想要做，就必须往前。
即使，别人觉得我性格不好，不应该。
我不掌握过程，可我要掌握自己的命运。
预知结局，掌握过程。
人非草木。 我想要前进，可却会不犹豫地被往事给纠结着。
潇洒视乎都与我拉不上。
不管以往发生什么事，这一秒开始，决不让自己后悔。
想要做，就必须往前。
即使，别人觉得我性格不好，不应该。
我不掌握过程，可我要掌握自己的命运。
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
#my Protection 避风港
刚刚与我这些年都被归类于好朋友状态的男性好朋友SKYPE。
不知为什么，高高兴兴的我开始了整个话题，可却黯然地结束整个话题。
他让我觉得，我该往前走了。
我知道他不是故意的，可是就冲他那一刻，‘女朋友能帮我’，我明白了一点，我所谓的避风港的女主人被找着了。他不再是我该随时去找的人了。
我该更独立，更努力的往前迈进。我该更努力地告诉自己，‘我还有自己’。
只要是依赖，即使那么一点点，当所有事情都习惯了，要回头就得重新适应。
何苦呢？
不知为什么，高高兴兴的我开始了整个话题，可却黯然地结束整个话题。
他让我觉得，我该往前走了。
我知道他不是故意的，可是就冲他那一刻，‘女朋友能帮我’，我明白了一点，我所谓的避风港的女主人被找着了。他不再是我该随时去找的人了。
我该更独立，更努力的往前迈进。我该更努力地告诉自己，‘我还有自己’。
只要是依赖，即使那么一点点，当所有事情都习惯了，要回头就得重新适应。
何苦呢？
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